150 278
LIFE&FAMILY
150
April15
A.W.
originally from the US;
five children (three at
international school)
The situation:
We married 15
years ago in the US and have been
living abroad ever since, in Japan,
Hong Kong and London, where
my children were born. I was the
ultimate expat wife, with designer
clothes, lavish holidays, pricey
schools and a flashy house, but the
marriage was a sham. My husband
travelled all the time for work and he
was abusive to the children and me.
I filed for divorce in London in
2012, after which my husband
wanted to relocate our family to
Singapore. I did not want to go,
but agreed to a look-see visit. This
unexpectedly became a nine-month
stay as a result of my serious back
injury (and surgery) during the trip.
After I’d recovered, I returned to
the US with the children in 2013 to
be closer to family support while I
waited out the UK divorce.
While I was there, my husband’s
Singapore-based lawyers served
me with a Hague Petition for
international child abduction. To
avoid imprisonment, I voluntarily
returned to Singapore with the
children in 2014 as Dependent Pass
holders, living in a separate house
from my husband.
I have “care and control” of five
children (one on the autism spectrum),
no domestic or family support, no
income other than court-ordered
maintenance to cover basic living costs,
no legal representation, and we are
living from hand to mouth. My children
wear donated clothing and eat food
provided by neighbours and friends.
Was expat life to blame?
Yes. Being
isolated from a legal system that I
understood, I allowed bad behaviour to
go on for too long. I was naïve and let my
husband decide all the moves. I didn’t
speak up. I didn’t have my say. I got
carried away in a fantasy life, and didn’t
realise until it was too late that moving
around so much had left me andmy kids
without a safety net.
Jurisdiction:
1. Singapore for custody, relocation,
maintenance and personal protection
orders. Legal representation
is expensive; when my husband
defaulted on maintenance I could no
longer represent myself.
2. Britain for the divorce, which is
ongoing.
Biggest regrets:
I should have left him
the first time he harmed a child. I thought
that I owed it to the children to stay in a
bad marriage.
I didn’t understand that, according to
Hague law, six months makes a place
Read more:
• “Till stress do us part: The causes and consequences of expatriate divorce”,
McNulty, Y. (2015).
Journal of Global Mobility
, 3(2), in press.
•
Harvesting Stones
by Paula Lucas (Summertime Publishing, 2013)
harvestingstonesbook.com
For support:
• AWARE Sexual Assault Care Centre: 6779 0282 | aware.org.sg/rape
• Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center: 866uswomen.org
• Sexual Assault Support & Help For Americans Abroad: sashaa.org
Dr Yvonne McNulty is Associate
Faculty at SIM University,
and Founder and Principal
Researcher at Expat Research,
a consultancy specialising
in global mobility thought
leadership. Its latest research
includes studies on expatriate
divorce, LGBT expatriates, global
families and “expat-preneurs”.
expatresearch.com
“habitual residence” that then
allows a Hague Petition to be filed
for abduction. If I had left Singapore
when I got the first restraining order
three months after our arrival, he
would have had no grounds to file
a Hague case. Plus, I only stayed
on in order to recover frommy back
injury; I never agreed to relocate.
I regret voluntarily returning to
Singapore. I should have stayed in
the US and fought the Hague case.
We have had to rely entirely on the
goodwill and sympathy of the expat
community to get even our basic
needs met.
Best advice:
1. Don’t let your partner have all the
control just because they are the
bread-winner.
2. Stay involved in financial matters
and have your own bank account.
3. Maintain a private email account.
4. Do not give any indication you
intend to leave; use the element
of surprise.
What’s next:
Petitioning the
Singapore court to legally relocate
to the US with the children.
Because we are US citizens, we
will have access to welfare support,
government housing and public
schools – none of which is available
to us here.