January 2014

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PARTING SHOT
328 January14
Begins at Home
By Dave Fox
Budget airlines. They kind of
make you feel like you felt
during that dysfunctional
relationship you had when
you were 19. You hate them because
they are totally stupid, except that they
are also sweet and nice, and sometimes
even a little bit cool in an annoying sort
of way, and you just can’t bring yourself
to break up with them.
Welcome to the homepage. Be sure
to read every word before you click
through to the next screen in your online
booking odyssey.
Keep in mind that those amazing
39-dollar fares you’ve seen advertised
do not include airport taxes, credit card
fees, or the service charge for flying on
a Tuesday preceding a full moon.
Want to check in your luggage?
Excellent! Do you wish to check in 10
kilograms or 12? Or 17.86? Jeez, man,
what do you mean you don’t know?
Oh, you’re just going to pack light and
pay for the smallest amount of checked
luggage? Good plan. Then be sure to
click that dropdown menu beneath the
box that says you want to check 15 kilos
– because there’s a hidden cheaper
option if you squint hard enough. There
is, however, also a fee for squinting too
hard, so don’t overdo it.
Or maybe you should just go with
hand luggage. Fine. Don’t forget to
uncheck the pre-checked box in which
the airline has agreed, on your behalf,
that you will pay to check two suitcases
plus the bicycle of the guy seated
behind you. And be prepared to jettison
your old shoes at the airport if your
backpack turns out to be 0.7 kilos over
the limit. Because while you could have
paid 15 dollars online to check a bag, if
you wait until you’re at the airport, the fee
quadruples. Also, the airline now gets
to keep your first-born child or your left
kidney. (Their choice.)
Insurance? You want travel insurance?
If not, then remember to uncheck that
other pre-checked box. Afterwards,
please click “Yes” to confirm that,
no, you do not want travel insurance.
Then click “Cancel” to verify that you
really, seriously, swear on the life of
your second-born child (which the
airline does not want and accepts
no responsibility for) that you wish to
recklessly surrender your right to travel
insurance. But understand that in doing
so, you agree the airline cannot be
held liable if the first officer is having
a bad day and punches you. If you are
unflinchingly positive that you want
to waive your right to not be punched
by the first officer (a savings of seven
dollars), then go ahead. Click the
“Cancel” button.
Oops. Wrong “Cancel” button. Please
return to the homepage to begin your
booking. Or just plan an exciting MRT
ride to Chinatown.
Dave Fox is a Singapore-based writing
coach and a freelance travel and
humour writer. For more of his stories,
visit
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same time. We’re
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